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Audiobook
The incredible, inescapable, unique essence of you
1 The flooding smile
2 Sticky eyes
3 Epoxy eyes
6 Hello old friend
7 Limit the fidget
8 Hans’s horse sense
9 Watch the scene before you make the scene
Part Two: What do I say after I say ‘hello’?
Small talk, your verbal welcome mat
10 The mood match
11 Prosaic with passion
12 Always wear a Whatzit
13 Whoozat?
14 Eavesdrop in
15 Never the naked city
16 Never the naked job
17 Never the naked introduction
18 Be a word detective
19 The swivelling spotlight
20 Parroting
21 Encore!
22 Ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive
23 The latest news … don’t leave home without it
Part Three: How to talk like the big boys ’n’ girls
Welcome to the human jungle
24 What do you do – NOT!
25 The nutshell resume
26 Your personal thesaurus
27 Kill the quick ‘me, too!’
28 Comm-YOU-nication
29 The exclusive smile
30 Don’t touch a cliché with a ten-foot pole
31 Use jawsmith’s jive
32 Call a spade a spade
33 Trash the teasing
34 It’s the receiver’s ball
35 The broken record
36 Big shots don’t slobber
37 Never the naked thank you
Part Four: How to be an insider in any crowd
What are they all talking about?
38 Scramble therapy
39 Learn a little Gobbledygook
40 Baring their hot button
41 Read their rags
42 Clear ‘custom’
43 Bluffing for bargains
Part Five: Why, we’re just alike!
We’re like peas in a pod
44 Be a copycat
45 Echoing
46 Potent imaging
47 Employ empathizers
48 Anatomically correct empathizers
49 The premature we
50 Instant history
Part Six: The power of praise, the folly of flattery
Praise reappraised
51 Grapevine glory
52 Carrier pigeon kudos
53 Implied magnificence
54 Accidental adulation
55 The killer compliment
56 Little strokes
57 The knee-jerk ‘wow!’
58 Boomeranging
59 The tombstone game
How to be a hit in another show
60 Talking gestures
61 Name shower
62 Oh wow, it’s you!’
63 The sneaky screen
64 Salute the spouse
65 What colour is your time?
66 Constantly changing outgoing message
67 Your ten-second audition
68 The ho-hum caper
69 ‘I hear your other line’
70 Instant replay
Part Eight: How to work a party like a politician works a room
The politician’s six-point party checklist
71 Munching or mingling
72 Rubberneck the room
73 Be the chooser, not the choosee
74 Come-hither hands
75 Tracking
76 The business card dossier
77 Eyeball selling
Part Nine: Little tricks of big winners
The most treacherous glass ceiling of all
78 See no bloopers, hear no bloopers
79 Lend a helping tongue
80 Bare the buried WIIFM
81 Let ’em savour the favour
82 Tit for (wait … wait) tat
83 Parties are for pratter
84 Dinner’s for dining
85 Chance encounters are for chitchat
86 Empty their tanks
87 Echo the EMO
88 My goof, your gain
89 Leave an escape hatch
90 Buttercups for their boss
91 Lead the listeners
92 The great scorecard in the sky
A final word: Your destiny
Back Ads
Notes
Select bibliography
About the author
About the Publisher
4 Hang by your teeth
But wait a minute! A lot of them aren’t cleverer than you. They’re not more educated than you. They’re not even better looking! So what is it? (Some people suspect they inherited it. Others say they married it, or were just plain lucky. Tell them to think again.) What it boils down to is their more skilful way of dealing with fellow human beings.
You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, people who seem to ‘have it all’ have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds of others who helped boost them, rung by rung, to the top of whatever corporate or social ladder they chose.
Wannabes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and complain that the Big Boys and Big Girls at the top are snobs. When Big Players don’t give them their friendship, love, or business, they call them ‘cliquish’ or accuse
them of belonging to an ‘old-boy network.’ Some grumble they hit their heads against a ‘glass ceiling.’
The complaining Little Leaguers never realize the rejection was their own fault. They’ll never know they blew the affair, the friendship, or the deal due to their own communications fumbles. Why don’t they see it? Because some of the moves Big Winners make are so smooth, so subtle, it takes another Big Winner to recognize them.
The old boys – in the days when top management was, unfortunately, mainly old boys – complimented each other by saying, ‘Buddy, you ain’t no accident.’ They bestowed this slang tribute with a tinge of jealousy when one old boy saw some sensitive act the other had executed.
Indeed, today the old (and not so old) boys and girls who run our country, our corporations, and our arts ‘ain’t no accident.’ Each has a bag of tricks, a magic, a Midas touch that turns everything they do into success.
What’s in their bag of tricks? You’ll find a lot of things: There’s a substance that solidifies friendships, a wizardry that wins minds, and a magic that makes people fall in love with them. There’s also a quality that makes bosses hire and then promote, a characteristic that keeps clients coming back, and an asset that makes customers buy from them and not the competition. We all have a few of those tricks in our bags, some more than others. Those with a whole lot of them are Big Winners in life. How to Talk to Anyone gives you ninety-two of these little tricks used by Big Winners so you, too, can play the game to perfection and get whatever you want in life.
Many years ago, a drama teacher, exasperated at my bad acting in a college play, shouted, ‘No! No! Your body is belying your words. Every tiny movement, every body position,’ he howled, ‘divulges your private thoughts. Your face can make seven thousand different expressions, and each exposes precisely who you are and what you are thinking at any particular moment.’ Then he said something I’ll never forget: ‘And your body! The way you move is your autobiography in motion.’
How right he was! On the stage of real life, every physical move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of your life. Dogs hear sounds our ears can’t detect. Bats see shapes in the darkness that elude our eyes. And people make moves that are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter, every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips, can draw others toward you, or make them want to run away.
Men, did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a deal? Women, did your women’s intuition make you accept or reject an offer? On a conscious level, we may not be aware of what the hunch is. But like the ear of the dog or the eye of the bat, the elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real.
Imagine, please, two humans in a complex box wired with circuits to record all the signals flowing between the two. As many as 10,000 units of information flow per second. ‘Probably the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adult population of the United States would be required to sort the units in one hour’s interaction between two subjects,’ a University of Pennsylvania communications authority estimates.1
With the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and forth between two human beings, can we come up with concrete techniques to make our every communication clear, confident, credible, and charismatic?
Determined to find the answer, I read practically every book written on communications skills, charisma, and chemistry between people. I explored hundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility. Intrepid social scientists left no stone unturned in their quest to find the formula. For example, optimistic Chinese researchers, hoping charisma might be in the diet, went so far as to compare the relationship of personality type to the catecholamine level in subjects’ urine.2 Needless to say, their thesis was soon shelved!
Most of the studies simply confirmed Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People .3 His wisdom for the ages said success lay in smiling, showing interest in other people, and making them feel good about themselves. ‘That’s no surprise,’ I thought. It’s as true today as it was over sixty years ago.
So if Dale Carnegie and hundreds of others since offer the
same astute advice, why do any of us lack the right stuff to win friends and influence people?
Suppose a sage told you, ‘When in China, speak Chinese’ – but gave you no language lessons? Dale Carnegie and many communications experts are like that sage. They tell us what to do, but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticated world, it’s not enough to say ‘smile’ or ‘give sincere compliments.’ Cynical business people today see more subtleties in your smile, more complexities in your compliment. Accomplished or attractive people are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them. Prospects are tired of salespeople who say, ‘The suit looks great on you,’ when their fingers are caressing cash register keys. Women are wary of suitors who say, ‘You are beautiful,’ when the bedroom door is in view.
The world is a very different place than it was in 1936, and we need a new formula for success. To find it, I observed the superstars of today. I explored techniques used by top salespeople to close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to convert, performers to engross, sex symbols to seduce, and athletes to win.
I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their success.
Then I broke them down into easily digestible, news-you-can-use techniques. I gave each a name that will quickly come to mind when you find yourself in a communications conundrum. As I developed the techniques, I began sharing them with audiences around the US. Participants in my communications seminars gave me their ideas. My clients, many of them CEOs of Fortune 500 companies*, enthusiastically offered their observations.
When I was in the presence of the most successful and beloved leaders, I analyzed their body language, their facial expressions. I listened carefully to their casual conversations, their timing, and their choice of words. I watched as they dealt with their families, their friends, their associates, and their adversaries. Every time I detected a little nip of magic in their communicating, I asked them to pluck it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light of consciousness. We analyzed it together, and I then turned it into a technique others could duplicate and profit from.
In this book are my findings and the strokes of some of those very effective folks. Some are subtle. Some are surprising. But all are achievable. When you master them, everyone from new acquaintances to family, friends, and business associates will happily open their hearts, their homes, their companies, even their wallets to give you whatever they can.
There’s a bonus. As you sail through life with your new communications skills, you’ll look back and see some very happy givers smiling in your wake.
* The top 500 companies in terms of turnover every year, as listed in Fortune magazine.
There are two kinds of people in this life:
Those who walk into a room and say, ‘Well, here I am!’
And those who walk in and say, ‘Ahh, there you are.’
The moment two humans lay eyes on each other has awesome potency. The first sight of you is a brilliant holograph. It burns its way into your new acquaintance’s eyes and can stay emblazoned in his or her memory forever.
Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting emotional response. I have a friend, Robert Grossman, an accomplished caricature artist who draws regularly for Forbes, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone and other popular North American publications. Bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appearance of his subjects, but zeroing in on the essence of their personalities. The bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate from his sketch pad. One glance at his caricatures of famous people and you can see, for instance, the insecure arrogance of Madonna, the imperiousness of Newt Gingrich, the bitchiness of Leona Helmsley.
Sometimes at a party, Bob will do a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin of a guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlookers gasp as they watch their friend’s image and essence materialize before their eyes. When he’s finished drawing, he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often a puzzled
look comes over the subject’s face. He or she usually mumbles some politeness like, ‘Well, er, that’s great. But it really isn’t me.’
The crowd’s convincing crescendo of ‘Oh yes it is!’ drowns the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt. The confused subject is left to stare back at the world’s view of himself or herself in the napkin.
Once when I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he could capture people’s personalities so well. He said, ‘It’s simple. I just look at them.’
‘No,’ I asked, ‘How do you capture their personalities ? Don’t you have to do a lot of research about their lifestyle, their history?’
‘No, I told you, Leil, I just look at them.’
‘Huh?’
He went on to explain, ‘Almost every facet of people’s personalities is evident from their appearance, their posture, the way they move. For instance …’ he said, calling me over to a file where he kept his caricatures of political figures.
‘See,’ Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body parts, ‘here’s the boyishness of Clinton,’ showing me his half smile; ‘the awkwardness of George Bush,’ pointing to his shoulder angle; ‘the charm of Reagan,’ putting his finger on the ex-president’s smiling eyes; ‘the shiftiness of Nixon,’ pointing to the furtive tilt of his head. Digging a little deeper into his file, he pulled out Franklin Delano Roosevelt and, pointing to the nose high in the air, ‘Here’s the pride of FDR.’ It’s all in the face and the body.
First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our fast-paced information-overload world of multiple stimuli bombarding us every second, people’s heads are spinning. They must form quick judgments to make sense of the world and get on with what they have to do. So, whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time.
Is their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your lips part and the first syllable escapes, the essence of YOU has already axed its way into their brains. The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 per cent of someone’s first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.
I’ve lived and worked in countries where I didn’t speak the native language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken between us, the years proved my first impressions were on target. Whenever I met new colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly they felt toward me, how confident they were, and approximately how much stature they had in the company. I could sense, just from seeing them move, which were the heavyweights and which were the welterweights.
I have no extrasensory skill. You’d know, too. How? Because before you have had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about someone. Studies have shown emotional reactions occur even before the brain has had time to register what’s causing that reaction.4 Thus the moment someone looks at you, he or she experiences a massive hit, the impact of which lays the groundwork for the entire relationship. Bob told me he captures that first hit in creating his caricatures.
Deciding to pursue my own agenda for How to Talk to Anyone , I asked, ‘Bob, if you wanted to portray somebody really cool – you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fascinating, caring, interested in other people …’
‘Easy,’ Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was getting at. ‘Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.
A friend of mine, Karen, is a highly respected professional in the home-furnishings business. Her husband is an equally big name in the communications field. They have two small sons.
Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays deference to her. She’s a Very Important Person in that world. Her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chatting with her and, they hope, be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like Home Furnishings Executive and Furniture World .
Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When she takes her kids to school functions, she’s..
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Hold solid eye contact with everyone as much as possible.
– Speak with sincerity and passion
Notes
The way you move is your autobiography.
How to intrigue everyone without saying a word
You only have 10 seconds to show your somebody
First nine techniques–come across as a special person without saying anything
- Smile big at the right time.
Women who were slower to smile in the corporate world are perceived as more credible.
The flooding smile: when meeting someone, don’t smile right away. Pause for a moment, then let a big flooding smile go over your mouth and eyes. This will give them the impression that the smile is more genuine
- Use your eyes–strong eye contact gives the impression of respect and affection. It also gives the impression of being an abstract thinker. The sticky eyes technique: hold your gaze as much as possible. When talking about personal matters with another men, hold your gaze a little less.
- The epoxy see eyes technique: hold gaze on the subject even when another party is speaking. Conveys intense confidence and interest in the subject. Use with caution.
- Watch your posture whenever you walk through a doorway. Hold your head high, your shoulders back, and your torso out. This will convey confidence and command respect.
- the big baby pit it-turn your full body toward a new acquaintance and smile
- Hello old friend-pretend that the person you are meeting is an old friend
When you act as though you like someone, you actually like them more. Respect begets respect.
- Don’t fidget. It undermines your credibility.
- Read body language cues from your audience
- Visualize yourself as a somebody, And it will happen automatically
Small Talk
- Match your listener’s mood
- Use banal, unoriginal conversation topics to lighten the mood and decrease suspicion. But don’t be indifferent. Speak with sincerity and passion
- Wear something that will cause people to ask “what is it” this will make you more approachable. Similarly make a habit of noticing things that ask what is it on other
- Ask “who is that” to get introduced to someone you want to meet. Try to learn about their interests.
- Ask excuse me I couldn’t help but hear… When you were trying to talk to somebody in another conversation.
- Never answer “where are you from?” from with a one-word response. Think of something interesting about where you are from to tell them.
- The same applies to what do you do? Always give them a hint as to what type of work you do where you work, etc.
- This also applies to your name never introduce somebody to someone else without giving them an idea of who the other person is or what they do. Never just give a naked introduction. Share something interesting about the person.
- Be a word detective. Listen to clues and what the other person is telling you for topics of conversation.
- Keep the focus of the spot of the conversation (the spotlight on them.
- Be a parrot. To keep the conversation going, repeat the last 2-3 words the person told you, in an inquisitive way
- Ask for an encore. Ask a friend to tell a story to start a good conversation.
- Accentuate the positives. Tell people something positive about yourself. Leave the embarrassing story behind.
- The latest news. Always be up on the latest news whenever you are going to a party, meeting, or important conversation. This makes for good conversational fodder.
- Ask how do you spend most of your time, not what do you do.
- When answering what do you do, tell them what you actually do that could benefit them or what they might be interested in
- Decide which words in your vocabulary you use too much. Grab a thesaurus and look up alternatives. Read the list of alternatives and decide which ones come the most naturally to you.
- Avoid the quick ” me too.” Let the other person discuss his or her interest before you reveal you share the same
- Start your sentences with “you.” (i.e. “you look great” vs. “that dress looks great”)
- The Exclusive smile: alter your smile slightly during different encounters to seem more genuine.
- Never use clichés.
- Use catchy phrases.
- Avoid euphemisms: anatomy, adjectives etc.
- Never make a joke at someone else’s expense.
- When you share the same sentiment as your receiver.
- When someone asks an unwelcome question, respond to them in an objective matter and repeat the same answer if prodded.
- If you have to talk to a celebrity, here’s what you say. “Your work has been an inspiration for me or pleasure for me over the years. Or for the CEO “it is a pleasure to work at your company.”
- Try adding something specific to the words “thank you.”
- Do something different. Do things that get you out of your comfort zone that will give you things to talk about when the conversation arises.
- Learn a few insider opening questions for various industries to sound intelligent in mixed company.
- Find out what the hot button issues are in different relevant industries.
- Read other people’s industry blogs and publications.
- Read about foreign customs before traveling.
- Learn industry lingo.
- Imitate the style of movement of successful people. As well as those you wish to win over.
- Use the specific words that other people use.
- Use relevant analogies with your audience.
- Don’t just say mhmm when listening
- Use anatomically correct empathizers Use
- Four levels of intimacy: clichés, opinions, feelings, and the use of We. In order to gain intimacy, use we sooner then you might otherwise
- Think of special moments you shared with people to make it an inside joke.
- Compliment people behind their back
- Pass along good news and complements that other people will want to hear
- Implied magnificence: imply good taste or some good quality when you are talking to someone
- Accidental adulation: slide a inadvertent complement into your conversation, I.e. you’re too young to remember or wouldn’t be a problem for someone as fit as you.
- Killer complement: complement somebody directly only using something specific and personal
- Give people small praise when they accomplish something
- Make sure you give praise immediately after they do something
- When you receive a compliment, boomerang the praise back to them by saying “how nice of you, thanks”
- Ask them what they would want written on their tombstone. Later, use that trait as a complement to them.
- Audible gestures: when speaking over the phone be sure to give affirmation
- Use their name frequently when speaking over the phone to invite closeness
- Sneaky screen: have your gatekeeper first say, “yes, right away,” then come back on the line and give the bad news.
- Win over the gatekeeper and/or the spouse
- Always ask “did I catch you at a good time?”
- Keep your voicemail greeting short and updated
- Leave a confident, clear, and credible voice message. Even better, make it entertaining.
- Use the pronoun “he or she” when trying to get past the gate keeper. This will make you think that this is normal.
- If you hear their phone ringing, be sure to let them answer it.
- Record conversations?
- Don’t eat at the party. This will make you more approachable.
- When you enter a room, pause in the door frame and scan the room.
- Be the chooser not the choosy. Choose who you want to talk to at the gathering.
- When at a gathering, keep an open posture, including open hands wrists. Stand in a clearing or near a doorway so other people will pass by you.
- Tracking: keep track of the last conversation you had with people ask them about their recent trip, their kids, their pets, or whatever else you were talking about with them.
- Make notes after conversations with people to remember their favorite things, upcoming events, and things you talked about with them.
- Monitor your audience’s body language and adapt your delivery and message accordingly.
- Ignore other people’s bloopers and mistakes.
- If someone story gets interrupted, remind them to continue after the commotion ends.
- For any deal or meeting, always tell the other party what’s in it for them (WIIFM) and what’s in it for you (WIIFY).
- When someone asks someone else to pull a favor for you, wait at least a day to get in touch with them.
- Don’t cash in on favor reciprocity right away.
- When someone has something urgent to say, let them empty their tank before you jump in.
- Echo the emotion of someone who is upset. Avoid using facts.
- If you break someone’s else’s thing, replace it immediately, ideally with something nicer.
- If you catch someone messing up, let them save face.
- Send a nice email about an employee to their boss to get good service.
- Be the first one to clap for or congratulate someone.
- Pay attention to the scorecard between you and other people, and don’t overstep your bounds.
- https://thepowermoves.com/how-to-talk-to-anyone/
How to Talk To Anyone Summary
About The Author: Leil Lowndes figures as “psychologist” in the new “Google card search result”, but I could not find any source to corroborate her educational background.
She certainly is a best-selling author though and a well-known figure in the “people’s skills” book circuit.Part I: How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word
- SMILE SLOWLY – WITH A SECOND DELAY
Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though as anyone who walked into your life would be the beneficiary.
Instead, look at their face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. And then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood your face and overflow into your eyes.
The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.- EYES – Epoxy Eyes
You can look at one person even while another person is speaking. This conveys a powerful “I care, I like you” sensation.
To soften the edge you can still look at the speaker most of the times but go back to the target when the speaker has just finished a point.- BIG BABY PIVOT (ON INTROS)
When you get introduced, turn body fully towards the new person and smile.
- HELLO OLD FRIEND
Treat someone you’ve just met as an old friend.
My Note: this is a very good technique and will make your whole body language follow naturally.- VISUALIZE
Visualize and imagine yourself as a very important person. That way all your verbals will fall into place automatically.
My Note: this is the same suggestion Jeanne Martinet in The Art of Mingling. It’s very useful, just make sure you don’t come across as stuck up.Part 2: Small Talk
- PARROTING
If a convo is dying and you want to let it continue without much effort, repeat their last words.
Example:Her “and then I went to see match and it was amazing”
You “see the match?”
Her “yes, bla bla bla”- BARGAINS
To get a bargain, learn the lingo of the sellers: it will make you sound like an insider
- ASK ABOUT LAST FEW HOURS
To get a new acquaintance talking, ask about her day, preferably about the last 5-6h.
She’ll love it because it’s so close to her experience.- DONT ASK WHAT DO YOU DO
Ask “how do you spend most of your time”.
Part 3: How to Talk Like a VIP
- LET THEM FINISH
Don’t jump in with “me too” which seems over-excited. Let them finish first instead, and the longer you wait to share your commonality, the more impressive it will sound.
My Note:
This is the opposite as what Boothman suggests in “How to Make Someone Love You“. I say it depends. If you want to sound excited or go along with an overly excited mood, jump in. If you want to seem calmer and more powerful, wait.- HOW TO CHANGE TOPIC
PIck up on something -thought, phrase or also a single word- the speaker said. Repeat it or rephrase it and then relate it to what you want to say.
Do you want to talk about a recent movie you saw, or about horseback riding but they’re talking about the weather?
In your first sentence allude to rain and then connect to your desired topic.Her: On rainy weekends, I usually go to a movie. In fact, just last week I saw one called..
You: I sure hope it doesn’t rain next Saturday because I have my next horse riding lesson..
OR
You: I pray it does rain next weekend so rather than taking the missus shopping I’ll have an excuse to stay home and work on the new rec room..- HEAR PEOPLE OUT
Listen to people and let them finish before you get to the facts and ask questions
- Comm YOU Nicate
How to Talk to Anyone recommends the readers to start every appropriate sentence with “you”, it immediately grab your listener’s attention.Ie:
“you look great in that suit“
rather that “I think that suit looks great”.
Rather than “there’s this great Italian restaurant, do you wanna try it with me?” say ”
There’s this great Italian restaurant, YOU will love it, wanna try it with me this evening?“.
In an email, “I really enjoyed myself at the party” becomes “You really threw a great party the other night“.
You save people the step to translate it in their head “hmmm he says it’s great, but will I like it?”Part 4: How to be an Insider in Any Crowd
- WAVE AT PEOPLE WHEN ENTERING A PARTY
When entering a party in a place where you don’t know anybody, just wave at space between people and smile.
Or wave at someone you think you like: people will think you are super popular and will later gravitate around you.My Note:
Hillary Clinton was using this technique and it often looked very unnatural.- SCRAMBLE THERAPY
Do something new and different, try many things out. Just doing something will give you 80% of the words and stories you need to relate to anyone who’s an expert/professional in that field
Part 5: How to Sound Like You’re two Peas in a Pond
- FULL EMPATHIZERS
When someone is talking to you don’t just nod or say “uhu”, use full sentences. Such as “oh that’s a lovely thing to say
- ASK WHAT THEY’D LIKE ON THEIR TOMBSTONE
Ask what they’d like written on their tombstone (or what they love the most about them) and then tell them you appreciate them for exactly that quality they’d like engraved.
My Note:
it’s easy to make this one an awkward moment. You need a bit more rapport and serious talk or you’ll across as a weirdo.- ECHOING AND MIMICKING
Notice the words they use, and use the same ones. Match their speaking speed and tempo as well.
Part 6: Praise VS Flattery
- CARRY GOOD NEWS
Most people revel with bad news and gossip, but as also the 48 Laws of Power say, people associate us with what we say and talk about. Jump on good news and share good news instead
- KILLER COMPLIMENT
Search one attractive and very unique quality they have and, at the end of the conversation, mention their name, look at them in the eyes and deliver it.
Part 7: Direct Dial Their Heart
- SOUND CLOSER ON PHONE
Answer the phone with a neutral tone, and when you realize it’s a friend of yours immediately warm up (similar to rewarding them after you got know them).
On the phone, it’s harder to convey warm feelings, so it’s a good idea to use their name as often as possible -“name shower”-Part 8: Work a Room Like a Politician
- GO EARLY
Similar advice I read in other Leil Lowndes books: if you don’t know anyone go early and you will small circle of early birds by the time the party swells.
- TRACKING
Remember and then refer to people’s minor and major events in their lives.
En.: you keep a file and note down people information. I do so.- DROP “I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU“
Avoid sentences like “I’ll be honest with you”, “frankly” or “I will tell you the truth”: people will suspect all the rest you’ve been saying wasn’t true.
Part 9: Break the Glass Ceiling
- CREATE SAFE HAVENS
Leil Lowndes righteously warns against mentioning business when you bump into someone by accident. That’s not the right time for that and they will respect you for giving them their space.
- SEE NO BLOOPERS HEAR NO BLOOPERS
Pretend nothing’s happened when someone makes a mistake.
If a coffe is spilled, keep talking while you drain it with a napkin. If a waiter spills your order, make it’s nothing.- BUTTERCUP TO SUPERVISORS – how to get great service
When there’s someone whose service you value, make a compliment, ask who the supervisor is and then send a letter-mail to the supervisor.
- LEAD THE LISTENERS – be the first to applaud
Be the first one to applaud or to congratulate the person giving a speech you agree with. Lead the crowd into acceptance.
Leil Lowndes Power Moves Tips
This is a collection from all that I’ve read from Leil Lowndes, not necessarily from “How to Talk to Anyone” and that seem very befitting to the spirit of this website:
- SIT TO THE RIGHT
Sit at the right side of the most powerful person in the room.
Men are uncomfortable sitting where they don’t see the door and want “their woman” to be on their right while they put a friend to the left.- HIGHEST SEATING
“How to Talk to Anyone” makes no reference to the pope but recommends choosing the highest seating in the room.
The highest chair is more important than being at the right of the host.
Example of a businessman who used to screw down all the chair in the meeting room except of his, so he’d sit the highest.- NOD UP – NOT DOWN
When you agree with someone you know by lowering your chin.
Do the opposite, move your chin upwards instead. But be aware of blending it with warm body gestures or it can come across as arrogant (see McGregor using the Nod Up:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfvUwYqTeFk- IF YOU’RE LATE – DON’T MAKE EXCUSES walking in
If you’re late to a meeting, don’t demean yourself with an excuse as soon as you walk in but find an unflustered way to allude honestly at the problem you had later on.
You will come across as sincere and secure and not obsessed with what other people think of you, two important big cats traits.WHEN ACCUSED AND GUILTY
- Listen calmly until your accuser finishes and then say “I am glad you brought it up”.
- Proceed by saying “you are right” and repeat his accusation word for word. No ifs, buts and however: those are the prefaces for excuses.
- Pause
- Then, and only then, with no defensiveness, tell your reasoning. If no rationalization, tell what you have learned.
To add frosting to the cake, thank your accuser for the opportunity to tell him.
Bonus:
This is actually the two very best tips I got from another book of Leil Lowndes, “How to Instantly Connect with Anyone”.
- HUGS
When you hug a person you like and he/she pats you on the back, they are sending friendly signals. And unluckily that means there’s no sexual interest, try someone else Romeo ;).
My Note:
I do not pat, not even male friends. Not patting is not necessarily sexual and it’s much, much warmer. I have noticed indeed that people who pat and/or withdraw very quickly tend to be either homophobes or not very comfortable in their skin.
Indeed in my experience patting too obviously sends a message of distance and discomfort.- EMOTIONAL PREDICTION
Emotional prediction is what differentiates the winners from the losers.
Example 1:
the CEO at the end of a difficult experiment tells the experimenter “glad that was over, it must have not been easy for you”.
Most people would have said, “That was difficult, I am glad it’s over”.Example 2:
In an interview: “I hope for you this is the last interview, you must have had a grueling long day“. When going out she added, “I guess your real work starts now“.My Note:
This is very powerful because quality people -and powerful people- take care of those around them. And that’s exactly what EP does for you.
I use it often, and especially love it when you could easily brush someone off but instead EP them.
For example:Packed restaurant, the waiter is swamped. He finally gets to you with bated breath:
Him: Sorry the delay sir, what would you like to drink?
You: All good, I can see it’s super packed, you must be going crazyBoom, now you’re his favorite customer and you just made the world a little more caring and human place.
CONS
- Wrong about CEOs
Leil Lowndes describes the CEO as if it were obvious that the top man has the highest emotional intelligence.
But that’s not true. Data shows that CEOs have lower emotional intelligence.
Also read: Corporate Manipulations.- All over the place “tricks” format
Lacking a focused topic it’s normal Leil Lowndes “tricks” tend to fall a bit all over the place.
And just as a note, the “little tricks” format can be dangerously misleading: if you want to get good at anything, drop the easy fix mentality (John Maxwell).- Quite Some common sense
There are, of course, quit a few known and common sense “little tricks” in How to Talk to Anyone, but on the other hand, they can serve as a refresher.
How to Talk to Anyone Review
“How to Talk to Anyone” is a lovely book and you can see Leil is a master socialite.
But she’s also very good at weaving all her tips in an entertaining, pleasurable narrative you will likely gobble up in a single session.
Some of the “little tricks” are either common sense or you’ll discard right away -ie.: changing your answering machine’s message every day-.
Some others are not “little tricks” but fundamental elements of human relationships, but it won’t hurt you to listen to them in “short pill format”.If you are reading this summary to improve your social skills make sure to also read my blog section on social power.
Look up words you used to often in a thesaurus and find richer, fuller synonyms of those words.
Using rich full words will make you sound more intelligent and creative.
Phone Etiquette
When answering the phone, have a neutral tone at first, then be very happy when they say their name.
A voicemail is like a 10 second audition to get a callback.
Remember other countries’ holidays when dealing with people from there.
Parties
Go through the “who what when where why” checklist before going to a party.
83., 84., 85. Avoid hard negotiating or negative business talk at dinners, parties, and during chance encounters.
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